Don’t ever get your hopes up. Just don’t do it. Life is too disappointing. Sounds depressing, right? It is, but at least we know, from the fact that I’m telling this to you, that I actually do what my therapist said to do for once.
I’m absolutely serious about this. Do not get your hopes up for the holidays, unless you are an innocent child to whom the whole world is forgivable because you’ve never been broken by pain. That kind of thing that breaks you only has to happen once or twice before small disappointments are everywhere.
That gives me an idea, maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion. Instead of seeing what I lost from a disappointment, I could look at the new opportunities in front of me. Not that the disappointment necessarily opened some new doors for you or anything, but that there are other good things in life whether you choose to see them or not. It’s all about what you tell yourself.
My boyfriend is sick today. But you know, this means I could actually study. I could actually pack. Things I’ve been putting off, I guess because the end of this good time I’m having is coming.
But when you think about it, my expectations for college were so low. They weren’t, “I’m probably going to absolutely hate it” low, but more like “this is going to be hard work and not a lot of fun” expectations. I was wrong, but maybe it’s all relative and college is only fun because it exceeds my expectations. I wonder if there’s a psychological principle about this.
And just when I’m having a good time, a great time, the mere passing of time is going to take all that away from me. It’ll take my room, my boyfriend, and my new friends. But, I mean, come on, K-Tosh, it was eight months. It was a good run! It wasn’t really as short as it felt – but that’s what’s so cruel about college! You’re completely used to monotony by that time! And once you actually enjoy the equivalent of school, it stops being monotonous and lengthy and you don’t attend uninterrupted for nine consecutive months every year with the same people, give or take a few. But does it only feel short because you’re having a good time? In short, things, no matter how good or bad they are, can’t and won’t stay the same forever. That’s reassuring or painful, contingent on situational factors. I will still have my old friends, and my job (I think it’s going to be a fun job).
I just dropped my guard for one second and I felt disappointed again. But you know what? In the blunt, daunting words of my therapist, “It won’t be easy.” Creating your own happiness is hard work, but someone’s gotta do it.
I think I’m caught up in my school work to the point where I can get ahead. I don’t think I failed my quiz and my test last week either (but anything can happen, so I except a game seven final minute comeback loss type of thing). Things are on the upswing.
My relationship, on the other hand, has reached a point where things should and could be stable (for like a week) but they’re not. I realized that my boyfriend is probably the most antisocial person I have ever met. I know a lot of antisocial people. Sometimes, talking to him is really interesting, with joking and stories and trivia. Other times, it’s like talking to a brick wall. He also never calls me or texts me unless he absolutely needs something. I try to be understanding, because I think this behavior is usually caused by a lack of sleep. I let it go for a long time, but it’s starting to bother me because it seems like he doesn’t care. Why should I put in an effort if he isn’t going to? Things on that front are on the downswing.
Which means, the two are about to intersect.
You see, it’s just like the sine and cosine curves. Allow me to explain:
Take a look at pi/4 on the x-axis. The sine function, in red, represents my academic life. The cosine function, in green, represents my social life. The values of these two functions rise and fall as theta increases (or time goes on, keeping with the metaphor), and periodically, they peak, they trough, and they intersect. Right now, I would say both values are positive, and I’m approaching the value found at pi/4. The sine and the cosine at this point are both equal to the square root of two over two – not negative, not a maximum, just equal.
If I’m at all right about this theory, soon I’ll get to the intersection, which will probably be a good day. Then my grades will go up (hopefully, at the time of finals) but my relationship quality is going to decline. Or maybe the y-value isn’t a measure of quality, but a measure of how much effort I have to put into maintaining the relationship or the school work.
Either way, I could use this to predict how things should go for me in the near future! Consider the implications! I could focus my efforts a certain way and be far more effective if I had an idea of what was coming to me.
But, of course, everything in life can’t actually be predicted by a series of equations. Or can it? (Actually, it can, in many ways…but the equations are slightly more complicated…I could go on but, eh, what’s the point)
So since I’m in college and having what is probably the most meaningful year of my life, I think it would be a good idea to write down some of how I’m feeling and what I’m doing. I guess it’s kind of like a diary, so I hope to write somewhat regularly. But, true to the form of this blog, this could very well be the first and last edition of “Friday.” Here we go:
It’s March 5th. A friend’s birthday is tomorrow. Some of my friends are on Spring Break but not me, but that’s ok because my workload is really light these days. I had a couple weeks in there where I was stressed and working really hard, but I can relax for now. I’m actually pretty glad it’s not the break yet. The best part of the break is that hopefully, I will get to see several friends that I don’t go to school with, even though they won’t be off. Maybe I should do some work or something…
My boyfriend is going to Scotland during the break, which distresses me but not as much as you might think. It’s more like, the calendar is freaking me out. We started dating almost five weeks ago. Typically we only see each other on Fridays, and we’ve seen each other nearly every Friday since we started college at the end of August (hence, the name of this “series”). Aside from a one-and-a-half month respite where we went to the same calculus class last semester, I pretty much never see the guy if it’s not Friday. On top of that, he’s not big on texting or calling. Or on communicating at all, really (the other day he had the nerve to criticize somebody else’s communication skills – I called him out on his own but I didn’t really explain why so I think I might’ve upset him a little bit). So while I’m going to miss him (two Fridays without him, *sigh*), honestly it won’t be that different from the usual.
When he gets back there are only four weeks of school left, plus the ambiguous week of exams where we will both be busy and could very well go home on say, Wednesday. He lives three hours from me. Because of the way my curriculum is set up, there is the possibility that we’ll be separated for eight months, having only been together for three (but eight if you count the time where we were just friends). And that’s if we don’t break up by then. Now I know I can handle it – people aren’t exactly lining up to date me, plus I tend to use my self-control well. The question is, can he? Not saying I’m in love with him or anything, but I think he’s the kind you want to keep around. I like him more and more the longer I know him. He’s actually come a long way, in terms of how he acts around my friends and me. Either he’s a smooth talker (which precedence based on his dating history says is possible, but personal experience says isn’t) or he’s actually a sweet, caring guy.
Regardless of him, I dread the thought of this school year ending. It’s the closest I’ve felt to the happiness of childhood innocence since growing up, which is ironic considering certain other events of the past year. The poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” by Robert Frost is true, and even though it’s totally cliche to use other people’s words to express your feelings (and we reference The Outsiders way too much), I’m going to do it. I like cliches too.
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.