tosh: toe-shh (n. adj. adv. v.) Any positive definition imaginable.

Tag Archives: feels

Today a couple friends and I went to visit some of our friends at a different university.  It was so awesome seeing them.  I haven’t been around that many girls in a while, but since I’m so close to those guys it felt nice.

We ended up eating so many times.  Every time I inspected one of their menus (this particular university has a lot of restaurant-style eateries), I didn’t see any dishes that actually contained tree nuts… But they didn’t have comprehensive lists to find out about traces in the ingredients.  At the first place I asked the cashier and she sent out a chef.  He was a nice guy and he showed me all the packages for the ingredients for their pizza.  I could eat it!  Fantastico!  Channeling my inner Italian there.  But after that, I threw a little caution to the wind.  I had an ice cream sundae (dangerous!) and some fries (at an ice cream place…what is wrong with me?).  Seriously dude, what is up?  You said you weren’t going to be one of those people who just doesn’t care and eats whatever, saying “it probably won’t kill me.”  You’re prone to that because you went so long and clearly didn’t die, but it made you sick so you need to BE CAREFUL.  It’s not worth it at all.

*sigh*

In other news, this song has been bringing me to the verge of tears lately.  Me!  I don’t cry over movies or anything, but I guess a song is more likely to do it for me than anything else.  Maybe like, the verge of the verge of tears is more accurate.  Either way, it’s making me emotional because I can relate to it lately.  I never thought about the words at all before I heard it the other day.  I keep hearing songs that relate all to well to my life at present, and that freaks me out a little and they usually make me sad.  I should just get happy.  I’m not constantly unhappy, so you know.  I’m worried, but not in the physically painful, anxious way.  It’s a different kind of worry, one where you aren’t hurt yet but you think you’re about to be so you just live in fear of it.  Like when you know there’s going to be a fire drill but you don’t know exactly what time.  But sad instead of scared.

I have a concrete reason to be worried about one friend too.  Sometimes I’m not sure what to do, so I just pray that we can all make good decisions, find our sanity when we need it, and come through in the clutch.  I just turned that into a sports metaphor…

– K-tosh


So since I’m in college and having what is probably the most meaningful year of my life, I think it would be a good idea to write down some of how I’m feeling and what I’m doing.  I guess it’s kind of like a diary, so I hope to write somewhat regularly.  But, true to the form of this blog, this could very well be the first and last edition of “Friday.”  Here we go:

It’s March 5th.  A friend’s birthday is tomorrow.  Some of my friends are on Spring Break but not me, but that’s ok because my workload is really light these days.  I had a couple weeks in there where I was stressed and working really hard, but I can relax for now.  I’m actually pretty glad it’s not the break yet.  The best part of the break is that hopefully, I will get to see several friends that I don’t go to school with, even though they won’t be off.  Maybe I should do some work or something…

My boyfriend is going to Scotland during the break, which distresses me but not as much as you might think.  It’s more like, the calendar is freaking me out.  We started dating almost five weeks ago.  Typically we only see each other on Fridays, and we’ve seen each other nearly every Friday since we started college at the end of August (hence, the name of this “series”).  Aside from a one-and-a-half month respite where we went to the same calculus class last semester, I pretty much never see the guy if it’s not Friday.  On top of that, he’s not big on texting or calling.  Or on communicating at all, really (the other day he had the nerve to criticize somebody else’s communication skills – I called him out on his own but I didn’t really explain why so I think I might’ve upset him a little bit).  So while I’m going to miss him (two Fridays without him, *sigh*), honestly it won’t be that different from the usual.

When he gets back there are only four weeks of school left, plus the ambiguous week of exams where we will both be busy and could very well go home on say, Wednesday.  He lives three hours from me.  Because of the way my curriculum is set up, there is the possibility that we’ll be separated for eight months, having only been together for three (but eight if you count the time where we were just friends).  And that’s if we don’t break up by then.  Now I know I can handle it – people aren’t exactly lining up to date me, plus I tend to use my self-control well.  The question is, can he?  Not saying I’m in love with him or anything, but I think he’s the kind you want to keep around.  I like him more and more the longer I know him.  He’s actually come a long way, in terms of how he acts around my friends and me.  Either he’s a smooth talker (which precedence based on his dating history says is possible, but personal experience says isn’t) or he’s actually a sweet, caring guy.

Regardless of him, I dread the thought of this school year ending.  It’s the closest I’ve felt to the happiness of childhood innocence since growing up, which is ironic considering certain other events of the past year.  The poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” by Robert Frost is true, and even though it’s totally cliche to use other people’s words to express your feelings (and we reference The Outsiders way too much), I’m going to do it.  I like cliches too.

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

– K-tosh