Hmmm…what can I say about today?
I spent a lot of the morning feeling sad and lonely, because I didn’t see any friends on my very last day of classes. That, and, it was my very last day of classes. I have never been sad about this before. Yes, I was “that guy.” (Stosh was that guy at the end of high school.)
A highlight of the day happened in calculus class. I was talking to the other kids…I’ve been trying to kind of be included for weeks now. Anyway this one guy came in, and he was saying he was feeling so good. I said, “nah, man…I’m not feeling so good today…” and immediately all three of the sophomores and the guy who came in last looked legitimately concerned for me. The last guy put his hand on my shoulder and said, “is everything ok?” The two sophomore guys looked attentive, and the girl looked…concerned, I guess. And when I told them what was wrong, they were all like “ohhhhhhh shut up.”
But the older ones gave me a lot of advice! First of all, they didn’t know I was a freshman, but they found out because I told them just how long I was going to be away. When they found that out they told me that when it’s time to come back, I won’t want to. I said, “I don’t know whether I should feel better or not.” A fourth guy, who’s also in physics with me, talked to me for several minutes about it. I did feel better because of them.
I spent some more time alone, watched some baseball, attempted homework for like five minutes. Then it was time for the ol’ bf to come over. We finally, FINALLY, finished Avatar. In the bf’s words, it took me longer to watch that show than it did for Aang to prepare to fight the fire lord. I was satisfied by that ending, but I feel slightly overwhelmed by what’s still out there. I have to read the Search and the Promise and whatever they’re all called. Plus, I can watch Korra. Plus, I want to watch Breaking Bad! I have to finish 24 by May 5! I apologize for this tangent but this is pretty important to me.
Annnyway. My biggest concern today, and of the last few months, really, was that I knew he was probably going to break up with me. But, he did something that I pretty much expected, didn’t hope for, and might turn out to be worse. I kept trying to broach the subject casually, but I had to outright ask what we would do when school ended and we would be hours apart for months. He wanted me to answer my own question. I told him, “I started this, we both know where I stand on this. I want you to make the decision.” First, he made me clarify the question. Then, he asked me for the etymology and to use it in a sentence. After about ten minutes of this stalling he said, “I hadn’t really thought about it.” …what? That is all I have thought about..is that too clingy? It sounds like he wants to try…and by try, I mean, wait until we’re back together…but that just leaves me with a ton of questions. Like, does that mean we’re in an open relationship? Does that mean, if we meet someone else we break up and if we don’t we don’t break up? That sounds like he’s just stringing me along, and I don’t want to put up with that. It is so cocky of me, though, to even think that I would have a hard time waiting because someone else would want to date me.
At least, for the meantime, he didn’t break up with me.
Yeah, you got that right.
Today, some good things surprised me. Somehow, in a matter of four hours, I managed to raise my expectations from “so low I didn’t even want the good thing when I found it out it could actually happen” to a feeling of “angry, even though I had a good time, because I wanted more.” I gotta learn to separate what I want from what I expect. And, in line with my previous post, that makes me sad.
Looking back on the day here’s a list of the good things that happened:
-I got to go somewhere fun with some people from school
-A guy in my major who I find really cool drove me and we had so much time to talk one-on-one
-He took me to lunch too
-We talked about sports and video games
-I think we’re friends now
-I called my boyfriend (that’s right, CALLED. On the phone!)
-He didn’t turn me down when I asked him to go do something with me on campus – and I guess I should be happy for him for not being sick, right?
-He was cute all night
-We’re almost done with Avatar
And THAT, friends, is what he meant when he said, “We’re almost finished!” with so much enthusiasm (mind you, some of my unwarranted disappointment may be due to the fact that we talked about finishing it today). I heard a whole different meaning in those words. It might be time to start distancing myself emotionally. I think we’re almost finished, and I don’t know who or what to blame.
Don’t ever get your hopes up. Just don’t do it. Life is too disappointing. Sounds depressing, right? It is, but at least we know, from the fact that I’m telling this to you, that I actually do what my therapist said to do for once.
I’m absolutely serious about this. Do not get your hopes up for the holidays, unless you are an innocent child to whom the whole world is forgivable because you’ve never been broken by pain. That kind of thing that breaks you only has to happen once or twice before small disappointments are everywhere.
That gives me an idea, maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion. Instead of seeing what I lost from a disappointment, I could look at the new opportunities in front of me. Not that the disappointment necessarily opened some new doors for you or anything, but that there are other good things in life whether you choose to see them or not. It’s all about what you tell yourself.
My boyfriend is sick today. But you know, this means I could actually study. I could actually pack. Things I’ve been putting off, I guess because the end of this good time I’m having is coming.
But when you think about it, my expectations for college were so low. They weren’t, “I’m probably going to absolutely hate it” low, but more like “this is going to be hard work and not a lot of fun” expectations. I was wrong, but maybe it’s all relative and college is only fun because it exceeds my expectations. I wonder if there’s a psychological principle about this.
And just when I’m having a good time, a great time, the mere passing of time is going to take all that away from me. It’ll take my room, my boyfriend, and my new friends. But, I mean, come on, K-Tosh, it was eight months. It was a good run! It wasn’t really as short as it felt – but that’s what’s so cruel about college! You’re completely used to monotony by that time! And once you actually enjoy the equivalent of school, it stops being monotonous and lengthy and you don’t attend uninterrupted for nine consecutive months every year with the same people, give or take a few. But does it only feel short because you’re having a good time? In short, things, no matter how good or bad they are, can’t and won’t stay the same forever. That’s reassuring or painful, contingent on situational factors. I will still have my old friends, and my job (I think it’s going to be a fun job).
I just dropped my guard for one second and I felt disappointed again. But you know what? In the blunt, daunting words of my therapist, “It won’t be easy.” Creating your own happiness is hard work, but someone’s gotta do it.
I think I’m caught up in my school work to the point where I can get ahead. I don’t think I failed my quiz and my test last week either (but anything can happen, so I except a game seven final minute comeback loss type of thing). Things are on the upswing.
My relationship, on the other hand, has reached a point where things should and could be stable (for like a week) but they’re not. I realized that my boyfriend is probably the most antisocial person I have ever met. I know a lot of antisocial people. Sometimes, talking to him is really interesting, with joking and stories and trivia. Other times, it’s like talking to a brick wall. He also never calls me or texts me unless he absolutely needs something. I try to be understanding, because I think this behavior is usually caused by a lack of sleep. I let it go for a long time, but it’s starting to bother me because it seems like he doesn’t care. Why should I put in an effort if he isn’t going to? Things on that front are on the downswing.
Which means, the two are about to intersect.
You see, it’s just like the sine and cosine curves. Allow me to explain:
Take a look at pi/4 on the x-axis. The sine function, in red, represents my academic life. The cosine function, in green, represents my social life. The values of these two functions rise and fall as theta increases (or time goes on, keeping with the metaphor), and periodically, they peak, they trough, and they intersect. Right now, I would say both values are positive, and I’m approaching the value found at pi/4. The sine and the cosine at this point are both equal to the square root of two over two – not negative, not a maximum, just equal.
If I’m at all right about this theory, soon I’ll get to the intersection, which will probably be a good day. Then my grades will go up (hopefully, at the time of finals) but my relationship quality is going to decline. Or maybe the y-value isn’t a measure of quality, but a measure of how much effort I have to put into maintaining the relationship or the school work.
Either way, I could use this to predict how things should go for me in the near future! Consider the implications! I could focus my efforts a certain way and be far more effective if I had an idea of what was coming to me.
But, of course, everything in life can’t actually be predicted by a series of equations. Or can it? (Actually, it can, in many ways…but the equations are slightly more complicated…I could go on but, eh, what’s the point)
Today a couple friends and I went to visit some of our friends at a different university. It was so awesome seeing them. I haven’t been around that many girls in a while, but since I’m so close to those guys it felt nice.
We ended up eating so many times. Every time I inspected one of their menus (this particular university has a lot of restaurant-style eateries), I didn’t see any dishes that actually contained tree nuts… But they didn’t have comprehensive lists to find out about traces in the ingredients. At the first place I asked the cashier and she sent out a chef. He was a nice guy and he showed me all the packages for the ingredients for their pizza. I could eat it! Fantastico! Channeling my inner Italian there. But after that, I threw a little caution to the wind. I had an ice cream sundae (dangerous!) and some fries (at an ice cream place…what is wrong with me?). Seriously dude, what is up? You said you weren’t going to be one of those people who just doesn’t care and eats whatever, saying “it probably won’t kill me.” You’re prone to that because you went so long and clearly didn’t die, but it made you sick so you need to BE CAREFUL. It’s not worth it at all.
In other news, this song has been bringing me to the verge of tears lately. Me! I don’t cry over movies or anything, but I guess a song is more likely to do it for me than anything else. Maybe like, the verge of the verge of tears is more accurate. Either way, it’s making me emotional because I can relate to it lately. I never thought about the words at all before I heard it the other day. I keep hearing songs that relate all to well to my life at present, and that freaks me out a little and they usually make me sad. I should just get happy. I’m not constantly unhappy, so you know. I’m worried, but not in the physically painful, anxious way. It’s a different kind of worry, one where you aren’t hurt yet but you think you’re about to be so you just live in fear of it. Like when you know there’s going to be a fire drill but you don’t know exactly what time. But sad instead of scared.
I have a concrete reason to be worried about one friend too. Sometimes I’m not sure what to do, so I just pray that we can all make good decisions, find our sanity when we need it, and come through in the clutch. I just turned that into a sports metaphor…
College has required me to make the minutest of adjustments to my lifestyle. There are the obvious huge ones, with living away from home and learning to take care of yourself. But there are little things I didn’t expect:
I use Chapstick now, because when I walk outside my lips get chapped from the cold air. I never really had that problem before.
I use power strips. I do it mostly for the surge protection, not the extended reach or the extra outlets. I never cared about power surges before, but are they more likely to happen here? I think one did happen in my room once. The outlets are a little shady, tough to put things in and falling out of the walls and all that.
Clothing is something I always worried would be a difficult adjustment for me, since I was used to school uniforms, but really all I’m wondering is, how many days in a row is it acceptable to wear the same sweatshirt?
Taking all of my medicine every day is a challenge, not because I forget altogether but because my ritualistic ways of doing things means that if I forget to take it at the right time in the routine, I have to put it off until later or start the whole routine over. Meaning, when this happens, the medicine usually doesn’t get taken. It’s just my asthma medicine…no biggie, right…?
I have to actually think about the socks I put on. Right now, the ones I have on are too thin and have holes in the heels. I didn’t care about holey socks before, but when you have to walk around a campus it pays to protect your feet. I was too lazy to find the thick socks today, so I figured these would suffice. And they will, but I’m trying not to wear them out so much that I lose yet another pair of quality socks.
I don’t know if worrying about the minutiae is normal or if that’s just part of my personality, but it has definitely affected my daily life. Did I worry about things like that before, when I lived at home and went to regular old day school, and never noticed because it was so familiar? Yeah, I’m gonna go with “probably.”
I recently discovered that TBS shows two episodes of The Office every weekday morning from 11:30 to 12:30, so I like to watch it between classes while I eat lunch. The Office is definitely one of my favorite shows, if not the very top one, and I haven’t watched it much for the last couple of years, since they stopped playing it in the same capacity that all the networks are currently airing The Big Bang Theory (also a quality show).
But today, the cable is out. It’s not an uncommon occurrence, and I’m starting to wonder if it happens at the same time every week. Anyway, you would think I would use this as a fine opportunity to work on my homework, study for my upcoming quiz and exam, something. But no, I’m just sitting here feeling the effects of losing the hour I allocated to watching The Office. I have nothing really profound to say here, other than that procrastination makes behave people in some seriously irrational ways.