Hmmm…what can I say about today?
I spent a lot of the morning feeling sad and lonely, because I didn’t see any friends on my very last day of classes. That, and, it was my very last day of classes. I have never been sad about this before. Yes, I was “that guy.” (Stosh was that guy at the end of high school.)
A highlight of the day happened in calculus class. I was talking to the other kids…I’ve been trying to kind of be included for weeks now. Anyway this one guy came in, and he was saying he was feeling so good. I said, “nah, man…I’m not feeling so good today…” and immediately all three of the sophomores and the guy who came in last looked legitimately concerned for me. The last guy put his hand on my shoulder and said, “is everything ok?” The two sophomore guys looked attentive, and the girl looked…concerned, I guess. And when I told them what was wrong, they were all like “ohhhhhhh shut up.”
But the older ones gave me a lot of advice! First of all, they didn’t know I was a freshman, but they found out because I told them just how long I was going to be away. When they found that out they told me that when it’s time to come back, I won’t want to. I said, “I don’t know whether I should feel better or not.” A fourth guy, who’s also in physics with me, talked to me for several minutes about it. I did feel better because of them.
I spent some more time alone, watched some baseball, attempted homework for like five minutes. Then it was time for the ol’ bf to come over. We finally, FINALLY, finished Avatar. In the bf’s words, it took me longer to watch that show than it did for Aang to prepare to fight the fire lord. I was satisfied by that ending, but I feel slightly overwhelmed by what’s still out there. I have to read the Search and the Promise and whatever they’re all called. Plus, I can watch Korra. Plus, I want to watch Breaking Bad! I have to finish 24 by May 5! I apologize for this tangent but this is pretty important to me.
Annnyway. My biggest concern today, and of the last few months, really, was that I knew he was probably going to break up with me. But, he did something that I pretty much expected, didn’t hope for, and might turn out to be worse. I kept trying to broach the subject casually, but I had to outright ask what we would do when school ended and we would be hours apart for months. He wanted me to answer my own question. I told him, “I started this, we both know where I stand on this. I want you to make the decision.” First, he made me clarify the question. Then, he asked me for the etymology and to use it in a sentence. After about ten minutes of this stalling he said, “I hadn’t really thought about it.” …what? That is all I have thought about..is that too clingy? It sounds like he wants to try…and by try, I mean, wait until we’re back together…but that just leaves me with a ton of questions. Like, does that mean we’re in an open relationship? Does that mean, if we meet someone else we break up and if we don’t we don’t break up? That sounds like he’s just stringing me along, and I don’t want to put up with that. It is so cocky of me, though, to even think that I would have a hard time waiting because someone else would want to date me.
At least, for the meantime, he didn’t break up with me.
Yeah, you got that right.
Today, some good things surprised me. Somehow, in a matter of four hours, I managed to raise my expectations from “so low I didn’t even want the good thing when I found it out it could actually happen” to a feeling of “angry, even though I had a good time, because I wanted more.” I gotta learn to separate what I want from what I expect. And, in line with my previous post, that makes me sad.
Looking back on the day here’s a list of the good things that happened:
-I got to go somewhere fun with some people from school
-A guy in my major who I find really cool drove me and we had so much time to talk one-on-one
-He took me to lunch too
-We talked about sports and video games
-I think we’re friends now
-I called my boyfriend (that’s right, CALLED. On the phone!)
-He didn’t turn me down when I asked him to go do something with me on campus – and I guess I should be happy for him for not being sick, right?
-He was cute all night
-We’re almost done with Avatar
And THAT, friends, is what he meant when he said, “We’re almost finished!” with so much enthusiasm (mind you, some of my unwarranted disappointment may be due to the fact that we talked about finishing it today). I heard a whole different meaning in those words. It might be time to start distancing myself emotionally. I think we’re almost finished, and I don’t know who or what to blame.
Don’t ever get your hopes up. Just don’t do it. Life is too disappointing. Sounds depressing, right? It is, but at least we know, from the fact that I’m telling this to you, that I actually do what my therapist said to do for once.
I’m absolutely serious about this. Do not get your hopes up for the holidays, unless you are an innocent child to whom the whole world is forgivable because you’ve never been broken by pain. That kind of thing that breaks you only has to happen once or twice before small disappointments are everywhere.
That gives me an idea, maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion. Instead of seeing what I lost from a disappointment, I could look at the new opportunities in front of me. Not that the disappointment necessarily opened some new doors for you or anything, but that there are other good things in life whether you choose to see them or not. It’s all about what you tell yourself.
My boyfriend is sick today. But you know, this means I could actually study. I could actually pack. Things I’ve been putting off, I guess because the end of this good time I’m having is coming.
But when you think about it, my expectations for college were so low. They weren’t, “I’m probably going to absolutely hate it” low, but more like “this is going to be hard work and not a lot of fun” expectations. I was wrong, but maybe it’s all relative and college is only fun because it exceeds my expectations. I wonder if there’s a psychological principle about this.
And just when I’m having a good time, a great time, the mere passing of time is going to take all that away from me. It’ll take my room, my boyfriend, and my new friends. But, I mean, come on, K-Tosh, it was eight months. It was a good run! It wasn’t really as short as it felt – but that’s what’s so cruel about college! You’re completely used to monotony by that time! And once you actually enjoy the equivalent of school, it stops being monotonous and lengthy and you don’t attend uninterrupted for nine consecutive months every year with the same people, give or take a few. But does it only feel short because you’re having a good time? In short, things, no matter how good or bad they are, can’t and won’t stay the same forever. That’s reassuring or painful, contingent on situational factors. I will still have my old friends, and my job (I think it’s going to be a fun job).
I just dropped my guard for one second and I felt disappointed again. But you know what? In the blunt, daunting words of my therapist, “It won’t be easy.” Creating your own happiness is hard work, but someone’s gotta do it.
So since I’m in college and having what is probably the most meaningful year of my life, I think it would be a good idea to write down some of how I’m feeling and what I’m doing. I guess it’s kind of like a diary, so I hope to write somewhat regularly. But, true to the form of this blog, this could very well be the first and last edition of “Friday.” Here we go:
It’s March 5th. A friend’s birthday is tomorrow. Some of my friends are on Spring Break but not me, but that’s ok because my workload is really light these days. I had a couple weeks in there where I was stressed and working really hard, but I can relax for now. I’m actually pretty glad it’s not the break yet. The best part of the break is that hopefully, I will get to see several friends that I don’t go to school with, even though they won’t be off. Maybe I should do some work or something…
My boyfriend is going to Scotland during the break, which distresses me but not as much as you might think. It’s more like, the calendar is freaking me out. We started dating almost five weeks ago. Typically we only see each other on Fridays, and we’ve seen each other nearly every Friday since we started college at the end of August (hence, the name of this “series”). Aside from a one-and-a-half month respite where we went to the same calculus class last semester, I pretty much never see the guy if it’s not Friday. On top of that, he’s not big on texting or calling. Or on communicating at all, really (the other day he had the nerve to criticize somebody else’s communication skills – I called him out on his own but I didn’t really explain why so I think I might’ve upset him a little bit). So while I’m going to miss him (two Fridays without him, *sigh*), honestly it won’t be that different from the usual.
When he gets back there are only four weeks of school left, plus the ambiguous week of exams where we will both be busy and could very well go home on say, Wednesday. He lives three hours from me. Because of the way my curriculum is set up, there is the possibility that we’ll be separated for eight months, having only been together for three (but eight if you count the time where we were just friends). And that’s if we don’t break up by then. Now I know I can handle it – people aren’t exactly lining up to date me, plus I tend to use my self-control well. The question is, can he? Not saying I’m in love with him or anything, but I think he’s the kind you want to keep around. I like him more and more the longer I know him. He’s actually come a long way, in terms of how he acts around my friends and me. Either he’s a smooth talker (which precedence based on his dating history says is possible, but personal experience says isn’t) or he’s actually a sweet, caring guy.
Regardless of him, I dread the thought of this school year ending. It’s the closest I’ve felt to the happiness of childhood innocence since growing up, which is ironic considering certain other events of the past year. The poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” by Robert Frost is true, and even though it’s totally cliche to use other people’s words to express your feelings (and we reference The Outsiders way too much), I’m going to do it. I like cliches too.
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.