Hmmm…what can I say about today?

I spent a lot of the morning feeling sad and lonely, because I didn’t see any friends on my very last day of classes.  That, and, it was my very last day of classes.  I have never been sad about this before.  Yes, I was “that guy.”  (Stosh was that guy at the end of high school.)

A highlight of the day happened in calculus class.  I was talking to the other kids…I’ve been trying to kind of be included for weeks now.  Anyway this one guy came in, and he was saying he was feeling so good.  I said, “nah, man…I’m not feeling so good today…” and immediately all three of the sophomores and the guy who came in last looked legitimately concerned for me.  The last guy put his hand on my shoulder and said, “is everything ok?”  The two sophomore guys looked attentive, and the girl looked…concerned, I guess.  And when I told them what was wrong, they were all like “ohhhhhhh shut up.”

But the older ones gave me a lot of advice!  First of all, they didn’t know I was a freshman, but they found out because I told them just how long I was going to be away.  When they found that out they told me that when it’s time to come back, I won’t want to.  I said, “I don’t know whether I should feel better or not.”  A fourth guy, who’s also in physics with me, talked to me for several minutes about it.  I did feel better because of them.

I spent some more time alone, watched some baseball, attempted homework for like five minutes.  Then it was time for the ol’ bf to come over.  We finally, FINALLY, finished Avatar.  In the bf’s words, it took me longer to watch that show than it did for Aang to prepare to fight the fire lord.  I was satisfied by that ending, but I feel slightly overwhelmed by what’s still out there.  I have to read the Search and the Promise and whatever they’re all called.  Plus, I can watch Korra.  Plus, I want to watch Breaking Bad!  I have to finish 24 by May 5!  I apologize for this tangent but this is pretty important to me.

Annnyway.  My biggest concern today, and of the last few months, really, was that I knew he was probably going to break up with me.  But, he did something that I pretty much expected, didn’t hope for, and might turn out to be worse.  I kept trying to broach the subject casually, but I had to outright ask what we would do when school ended and we would be hours apart for months.  He wanted me to answer my own question.  I told him, “I started this, we both know where I stand on this.  I want you to make the decision.”  First, he made me clarify the question.  Then, he asked me for the etymology and to use it in a sentence.  After about ten minutes of this stalling he said, “I hadn’t really thought about it.”  …what?  That is all I have thought about..is that too clingy?  It sounds like he wants to try…and by try, I mean, wait until we’re back together…but that just leaves me with a ton of questions.  Like, does that mean we’re in an open relationship?  Does that mean, if we meet someone else we break up and if we don’t we don’t break up?  That sounds like he’s just stringing me along, and I don’t want to put up with that.  It is so cocky of me, though, to even think that I would have a hard time waiting because someone else would want to date me.

At least, for the meantime, he didn’t break up with me.

– K-Tosh

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