Don’t ever get your hopes up.  Just don’t do it.  Life is too disappointing.  Sounds depressing, right?  It is, but at least we know, from the fact that I’m telling this to you, that I actually do what my therapist said to do for once.

I’m absolutely serious about this.  Do not get your hopes up for the holidays, unless you are an innocent child to whom the whole world is forgivable because you’ve never been broken by pain.  That kind of thing that breaks you only has to happen once or twice before small disappointments are everywhere. 

That gives me an idea, maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion.  Instead of seeing what I lost from a disappointment, I could look at the new opportunities in front of me.  Not that the disappointment necessarily opened some new doors for you or anything, but that there are other good things in life whether you choose to see them or not.  It’s all about what you tell yourself.

My boyfriend is sick today.  But you know, this means I could actually study.  I could actually pack.  Things I’ve been putting off, I guess because the end of this good time I’m having is coming.

But when you think about it, my expectations for college were so low.  They weren’t, “I’m probably going to absolutely hate it” low, but more like “this is going to be hard work and not a lot of fun” expectations.  I was wrong, but maybe it’s all relative and college is only fun because it exceeds my expectations.  I wonder if there’s a psychological principle about this. 

And just when I’m having a good time, a great time, the mere passing of time is going to take all that away from me.  It’ll take my room, my boyfriend, and my new friends.  But, I mean, come on, K-Tosh, it was eight months.  It was a good run!  It wasn’t really as short as it felt – but that’s what’s so cruel about college!  You’re completely used to monotony by that time!  And once you actually enjoy the equivalent of school, it stops being monotonous and lengthy and you don’t attend uninterrupted for nine consecutive months every year with the same people, give or take a few.  But does it only feel short because you’re having a good time?  In short, things, no matter how good or bad they are, can’t and won’t stay the same forever.  That’s reassuring or painful, contingent on situational factors.  I will still have my old friends, and my job (I think it’s going to be a fun job).

I just dropped my guard for one second and I felt disappointed again.  But you know what?  In the blunt, daunting words of my therapist, “It won’t be easy.”  Creating your own happiness is hard work, but someone’s gotta do it. 

– K-Tosh